| falls on me |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|02:29 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | dashboard confessional - the secret's in the telling | ] |
finally, first term is over. finally, the crappiest term of my college life (so far) is done. finally, it's term break. i should be letting out sighs of relief but i cannot.
i failed three accounting subjects. yeas, three major subjects.
it's crappy when yoo put yer best to something, and it does not work out. i mustered up all my strength to study but still, to my dismay, i did not make it to the target grade.
well, i could admit, i had my share in the reasons of failing. but then how they teach the program really got in the way of my learning abilities. it's really crippling when yoo have to stay in a classroom fer three hours a day, five times a week, sometimes six, have quizzes once in 4 days, have a comprehensive exam once in two weeks and be bombarded wit tons of homework everyday.
but wut's crappier is the psychological effect of having to see failing grades everytime a quiz is returned. it makes me feel retarded. it makes me feel worthless. it makes me feel dumb.
anyway, let's go to another side of my life...
some people yoo do not deal wit anymore is just good riddance. when all they could be is a thick layer of bricks on yer shoulders to bring yoo nowhere but down. that's wut yoo call good riddance.
and to a lighter side of life...
film photography. it excites me. i found bliss in it. yoo can only have one chance to make things right. freezing time in film strips is gnarly. can't wait to freeze time again. haha. i want a holga lomo camera. something to look forward to. i must manage expenses well if i intend to really really own one. it's just bad my mum's not supporting me wit this hobby. she thinks it's expensive and worthless. apparently, mum does not understand art.
fer five consecutive days, i went around the metro. no apparent reason, just to explore, or be wit friends. i never really had the chance to do this. of course, i took some pics of my journey. though, i still have tons more to go to.
well i guess that's just life. yoo win some, yoo lose some. life goes on fer me and so does fer everyone. we just have to keep going. to wutever direction. |
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| thank you. |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|10:01 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | u2 - vertigo | ] |
because these are the moments i thank God i'm alive.
thanks to those who even bothered to drop me a line in ym, or text me or say it to me personally just to greet me. thanks to those who gave me gifts. basta my point is, thanks to those who made me feel special :) yea it's just one day in a year, but it meant a lot.
on the dark side... im getting older. i am now twenty but i feel that i haven't done so much fer the world yet. maybe there's just a lack of chance fer me. or maybe there's just this lack of initiative from me. when i look at my life in a larger sense, it seems idle from the time my mum screamed her butt off to get me out of her uterus to the present. so far, my only contribution to the country is the pile of cigarette butts i throw. that's not even good. the point is, the clock is ticking so i gotta start changing the world. fer the better, of course. and so i start wit little steps... i'm gonna try to join GK. i've never done that. i've never done construction werk my whole life. but the thought of having to sweat out and breathing powder cement just fer someone to have a place to call "home" moves me. beat me up if i turn a year older without doing any GK work.
as of now, that's my short-term plan. gotta run ideas fer a long-term plan.
let's change the world, one day at a time :) |
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| our dreams assured |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|09:59 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | computer room | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | dashboard confessional - stolen | ] |
and so, fer the nth time, i blog again after such a long time.
so wut have i been up to?
less alcohol consumption - unbelievable, isn't it? yoo thought yoo'd never see the day that i'd be drinking just once a week. and ever since school started, i've only drunk 2 times in school. why? i don't know. it's not like i had a change of heart. it just so happened that the bottles of beasts aren't tempting me that much nowadays. believe the unbelievable, friends.
dreaming of having a dslr - agh. i want to have a digital slr. and then travel around the world. the thought of stopping time in photo papers excites me. but then first, i must study, to be able to work my ass off to afford such luxury items.
appreciating beauty - one day last week, i wus on the way home aboard the magical tas trans bus. as i wus cruising down south along coastal road, i witnessed a beautiful sunset. seeing the concoction of the violet sky and the orange sun gave me thoughts in my mind that despite the chaos and all, the world is still beautiful. hmm, i want to live in a coastal area when i grow up. but please, not along manila bay.
imagining that life could be random - wut if we just let life roll out by itself. everyday, we have to make choices. but wut if we just let a coin decide fer us fer wutever decision we make? -- wut to eat fer breakfast, wut shirt to wear, wut career to choose, etc. why can't we just let the randomness take over then just enjoy the moment? well, we just can't.
being less emo - because accounting is keeping me preoccupied. but then i'm barely scraping by wit accounting right now. the point is, due to overloading quantitative brain activity, i don't have much time to do some deep thinking. the way i look at it, it's quite good fer my heart. i don't feel like digging in the crannies of my heart anyway. |
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| this heartfelt leap |
[May. 21st, 2007|02:20 am] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | michelle branch - desperately | ] |
isn't it weird that...
there's so much love to give.
but there's no one to give it to?
i guess, it's not that weird. that's just life.
putangina, emo. harhar! |
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| one hour entry |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|10:11 pm] |
i wus supposed to write an entry good fer one hour (an entry that i would delete after one hour of writing pure drama) but then i changed my mind.
punyeta. wag na lang.
honesty is bullshit. |
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| melloncollie and the infinite sadness |
[Apr. 7th, 2007|03:17 am] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| |  sad | ] |
if yer wondrin about the title, it's a name of an album of smashing pumpkins.
melancholy.
brought by the fear of thoughts of failing finma and taxbusi. i friggin HATE subjects that make me feel inferior. subjects that make me feel that there's nothing beneath my cranium. subjects that i study fer but i still fail.
i have to pass them. not just because they're prerequisites but because i wouldn't have the heart to show my mum failing grades. oh, the pressure. it's not that she's actually pressuring me. it's the pressure that i impose on myself.
anyway another reason fer feeling sad.
i miss my brother even though we live under the same roof.
yeas, the irony. i'm busy when he's awake. i could blame the age gap bestowed upon us, he has all the free time the world could give in but i couldn't spend time wit him coz i'm busy when he's awake and just when i'm not, he's asleep. i miss hugging him tightly til he gets super annoyed by it. i miss kissing him a thousand times in a few seconds. i miss playing wit him.
i wish i could spend more time wit him. i really wish i could.
haaay. i love my brudder. |
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| rehabilitation |
[Mar. 17th, 2007|09:34 am] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| |  contemplative | ] |
hmm.
i shall go through some sort of do-it-yourself-rehabilitation. because i need it. and the first step to that is...
TO REALIZE THAT I HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.
yeas, now, i really think i do have one. lately, i've been extra prone to overdrinking and i must avoid the bottles of beasts fer a very long time. fer now, i dunno how long this will take. and i give everyone the right to get bottles off my hands.
i must practice the virtue of temperance fer myself's benefit. and also fer the people whom i always pester whenever i've had too much to drink.
guys, from the bottom of my heart, IM SORRY. THANK YOU. AND I LOVE YOU GUYS. |
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| madness |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|11:28 am] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | mandy moore - can we still be friends | ] |
hmm. had the chance to watch 300 last friday and fer the first time in such a long time, the movie wus worth the price of an overpriced movie ticket in a plush mall. well, actually, twas worth so much more. the fight scenes are effin good, it had so much blood, it quenched my thirst to watch violence and gore. i enjoyed the entire movie, not because of the 300 men clad in nut-huggers but because of one man.
one man fueled wit fire. one man wit intense emotions. yeas, that man is king leonidas. very husband material. my future husband should be burning wit passion wit the things he does. i cannot bear the thought of having to spend a lifetime wit someone full of mediocrity.
hahahahahahha punyeta how wus i able to cross future husband talks and 300?!
had an episode of binge drinking last thursday. it wus something i should've done weeks ago but i never got the chance so there wus a lag. as we all know, over drinking leads to extreme dizziness and throwing up. it's my way of fergetting things because after all that hassle, i'll eventually realize that some things aren't worth the muscle spasms in my digestive tract when i throw up. so, i ferget. yeas, it's another triumph of the bottle of beasts over the silly things in my so-called mind. i think i'm okay now. it's a much-needed closure fer the battle between my conscious and subconscious. |
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| blurk |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|07:02 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | incubus - dig | ] |
there are some days when you feel...
...like you were stabbed from behind, straight to yer heart.
but when you look back, you don't see anyone.
so basically yoo don't know who to stab back. harhar.
it's one of those days, dood. |
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| dreamboi. |
[Feb. 12th, 2007|08:50 pm] |
intro:
yeas, this is my official crappy and cheesy valentine's day entry. bear wit me, i had a sort-of agreement wit a friend that i shall write something like this.
of course, it will be about a boy.
a boy whom i think is ideal. ideal, meaning, the one i see beyond his imperfections. of course, i am not dumb, perfection is unattainable but his qualities match my definition of ideal.
it is quite odd that i fancy him considering he is the total complement of me. yeas, the world brings the oddest realities.
wut amazes me in him are his eyes, confidence, and his wits. i am such a fool fer those things.
in the weirdest state of my mind, he keeps me sane. he keeps me from being preoccupied and his timing is just impeccable. like right now. just when i need some kind of distraction from something.
but.
he is in a world that i could only watch. the barrier is a never ending wall of glass i could never ever break. i choose not to. i drew a line. a line that separates me from just admiring him to liking him.
yeas, dreamboy is surreal. and i live in a world of reality.
bahala na kayo magisip kung sino yan. walang magffeeling please hahahahaha. |
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| i wish you love |
[Dec. 14th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | nickelback - far away | ] |
since everyone has already made their christmas wishlist, i guess it's time fer me to join the bandwagon and make my own.
1) twix
2) a polar bear (may be real, stuffed, or a person resembling this. take yer pick.)
3) tops
4) anything that has the scent of vanilla or green tea
5) dvds
6) a dean's list certificate haha
7) love and peace fer the world.
i think i have the simplest list. hahahaha. can't wait to fix my gifts fer my friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2006|10:08 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | nat king cole - christmas song | ] |
first of all, i am sooo friggin happy that i am done wit finals. this term wus a bit of a hassle fer me, academically. but i had this realization that this is the term when i wus emotionally stable at the most. well i guess because all i ever thought about wus my studies. im not being a nerd, it's just that, there's nothing/noone else to think about lately. HAHA.
hmm it's another episode of term break. i wonder wut will happen to me this time. hope this time, it'll be different. in a good way. but then i think it's another one of those endless days/nights at home. blah.
it's the end of the term. i wonder who's my soulmate next term hahahahahahahaha |
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| when there is nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire. |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|08:23 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | stars - your ex-lover is dead | ] |
finally, after two days of growing mold with my bed, i got the chance to leave my house and experience civilization. yeas, i just hate unexpected long weekends. i love longweekends, but not the unexpected ones.
anyway, i just have to share that i went up the andrew building, specifically the 16th floor where the educational leadership and management (?) department is located to submit my sister's paper. while talking to the secretary, i had this moment where everything paused. everything else had to wait fer me to come to my senses that i'm actually attending to something. i saw this breath-taking view of manila bay.
it wus blue. it wus vast. it felt like it wus endless.
it wus empty. just like me. empty.
i guess it's just me, myself, and my pride. that's all i got.
i've been feeling empty these past days. i don't know why. |
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| the most heartfelt lines |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|03:42 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | dios malos - you got me all wrong | ] |
after months of being MIA, im back wit one entry. maybe just one entry fer now. my theory is that, i tend to blog when im driven by my angst. but wut sucks is, i don't know wut drives my angst. before it gets confusing i shall get to the main point of this entry.
i feel like writing lyrics of songs i really dig. conclusions should not be drawn by my choice of lyrics, it does not necessarily mean i could relate to it. enjoy.
part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall -- joshua radin "the fear you won't fall"
like a bad star, i'm falling faster down to her. she's the only one who knows what it is to burn -- finch "what it is to burn"
i chose to feel it but you couldn't choose. im not sorry i met you. im not sorry it's over. im not sorry there's nothing to say -- stars "you're ex-lover is dead"
smile like you mean it. -- the killers "smile like you mean it"
words are not important, smiles are all i need from you. the yearning is getting stronger. i hope you'll like me too. -- typecast "the infatuation is always there"
ill be true, ill be useful, ill be cavalier. ill be yours my dear and ill belong to you if you just let me through. -- dashboard confessional "as lovers go"
drive me away coz the night just feels right. take me away with you tonight. anywhere with you. -- urbandub "first of summer"
ive got more wit a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck than any boy youll ever meet. sweetie you had me. -- panic at the disco "lying is the most fun a girl could have without taking her clothes off"
i could use a fresh beginning too. all of my regrets are nothing new. -- switchfoot "learning to breathe"
avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak and this bottle of beasts is taking me home. -- dashboard confessional "screaming infidelities"
hopeless, a single word that you would not expect from me. -- acceptance "over you"
could this be out of line, to say you're the only one breaking me down like this. -- acceptance "so contagious"
well that's it fer now. got tons of papers to do. |
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| last of term break |
[Sep. 10th, 2006|06:58 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | gyskard - pink life | ] |
i never thought i'd see this day -- the last day of the greatest, well-spent term break. although, i'm also looking forward to tomorrow, for tomorrow, i will have a new crush because there is a new term. hahaha.
the laguna trip wus a blast. getting lost while roadtripping in laguna is gnarly. getting soaked in the rain wit yer blockmates is gnarly. camwhoring like there's no tomorrow is gnarly.
when i wus in highschool, it came to a point that each trip to alabang town center would make me sick (well not literally). but when i went there wit anj and ger, it felt a lot like home.
binangonan wus a blast too. i got darker, thanks to rosa's supply of tanning lotion. i just love binangonan. it never fails to give a great kick off to another term.
thanks to den, my ponti cherry wus popped. hahaha.
as i said before, time wit friends is time well spent. that is sooo damn true. love yoo guys. |
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| all of my regrets are nothing new |
[Sep. 2nd, 2006|09:47 pm] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | switchfoot - learning to breathe | ] |
regrets. all of us possess it. well, some may claim they don't but i'm kinda pretty sure there's this lil bit in them that regrets something or someone. i define it as some feeling of disappointment over something in the past. it's like you're being sucked by the blackhole and there's no way out. no use for screaming or struggling.
i guess the most common source of regret is mistake. mistake of doing something or not doing something. but then, some mistakes are blessings in disguise.
and i guess the common cure for this kind of disease is denial. very cheap and does not need prescription.
we can always look back at the past but there's no chance in hell we could change it. sucks, right? yeas, they are one of life's harsh realities. |
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| first of term break |
[Sep. 2nd, 2006|02:09 am] |
| [ | lost in |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | personality disorder |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | ear candy |
| | urbandub - first of summer | ] |
after a suicidal term of pure accounting, comes term break. the break that has a lifespan of two weeks, sandwiched between two terms. it gives you a relieving feeling at the same time, it hands you down an anxiety brought by the coming term. we all have our own ways of using its precious and scarce minutes. what have i been up to lately?
non-stop dvd trippin - i developed an intimate relationship with my laptop, for it serves as my portable dvd player. yes, it's bad, but i have to thank God for providing piracy to the less privileged and the stingy.
sleeping - i was deprived of this privilege in the last term. 12 hours of sleep a day is needed everyday to make up for the lack of sleep caused by accounting. fyi, waking up is the activity that takes up most of my strength.
chillin with friends - i miss them. time with friends is time well spent.
altering my state of consciousness - i came up with a conclusion that if you don't have accounting, you result to substance abuse. so i guess i could think of accounting as my rehab. without it, i relapse. haha.
there's still a few stuff i'd like to do before the break ends. like go out and have a swim with friends, exercise my body that badly needs shaping up for fencing, and just chill more. i wanna take one day at a time.
i wonder wut's in store for me next term. |
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takemeuphigh's journal
drunk